Top 10 Tips to Avoid Job Burnout

I worked for “the man” in Corporate America for over a quarter of a century both in commission-only media sales and, for a short time, in middle management.  I eventually left an ample paying position with health care benefits, a nice expense account, and 401k matching to pursue a different dream – releasing myself of the golden handcuffs.

Why wouldn’t someone want to stick it out for the proverbial gold watch and the pension? In my case, there was certainly no pension; or even a gold watch. However, stress was the corporate gift that kept on giving. The stress levels rose each year with every corporate buy out or merger and with each management team’s new “vision”. Eventually, it began to cause health issues.   Funny how your doctor tells you to avoid stress. Like he/she doesn’t know your job, right?work stress

The workplace, to me, had become more stressful and less user-friendly with each passing year. Perhaps due to the immediacy of technology and everyone (outside and inside the organization) expecting results in a nano second. Possibly it is the people sitting at the corporate office in their ivory tower having to massage the numbers to answer to the Wall Street stockholders.  Or maybe greed and the desire for power has overtaken the way we do business on every level.

My purpose today is not to figure out the why, but to help you with a few survival skills to avoid job burnout in this corporate landscape.

1. Use every minute of your vacation time. 

Yes, there actually are people who do not.  I was once interviewed by a manager who was so proud he had not taken a single vacation day for something like 6 years.  I looked at him closely for signs of the inevitable heart attack approaching.  I could not imagine working in an environment which frowned upon taking the vacation time you earned. Needless to say, I didn’t take the job. vacation calendar.jpg

Time off clears your head, allows your internal system to truly relax and gives you time to make cherished memories with family, friends or alone time.  “Vacation” does not mean you have to go somewhere and spend a bunch of money. Perhaps you plant a garden or go fishing on a nearby quiet lake. The point here is to check out.  Unless you’re a rocket scientist, the world won’t end, nor is anyone is going to die without you at your desk for a week or two.

2. Be kind and respectful to all employees at your company (not just the boss).

Most career folks spend 40-50-60 hours a week in the presence of a staff at work. They may be higher or lower on the totem pole, but all of them can make or break your day.  I have found that respecting their positions and working as a team goes a long way to keeping the corporate engine purring along. And takes your stress levels down.

3. Work from home whenever possible.work stress work from home

Many companies are now creating flex time and “work from home” options for employees. Being at home typically reduces stress levels. You are in your safe space. You don’t have road rage from sitting in that morning commute for an hour.  You might be in your comfortable loungewear.  Your sweet dog is at your feet wagging its tail each time you look down.  Since so many people now work with their computers, it is not unrealistic to work from home, even if it is for a couple of days a week. If your company does not offer this option and you have a good relationship with management (see #2), perhaps now is a good time to suggest exploring alternatives.

4. Balance work with family time and hobbies.

The most successful and interesting people I have met in the corporate world also have a passion for life outside of work.  It can be something as simple as date night with your spouse or taking the family to the park on Saturdays. Or a golf group or painting class or a happy hour with old friends.  Whatever your other passion is, do it. Even if you are not that good at it. The key is to take your mind off work,  ignore your smartphone and enjoy a less stressful atmosphere.

5. Do not check your messages after “quiet time”.

We all know these people. Hell, you may even be one of them.  They work all day. Then they work all night as the messages on the phone keep pinging in till bed time. Priding themselves on being available 24/7. Sure sometimes we have a project past deadline and it needs immediate attention. But realistically, how often does it need to be done NOW? Reserve evenings and weekends for your other passions whenever possible.  Most technology allows us to set a “quiet time” to make the pings stop sounding. Your significant other will thank you.  So will your blood pressure.

work stress smartphone.jpg

6. Use “out of office” Messenger when away from your technology.

I mentioned earlier in this article that people seem to want results in a nano second these days. An email is received and then within a couple of hours a second one appears, “Did you get my previous email???”  Some people no longer take into account an employee may be in a meeting, or focusing on a different proposal or are driving and don’t want a $500 texting fine, for Pete’s sake. Who was Pete anyway?

I have found the “out of office” bounce back message to be an effective tool.  Create a response telling the recipient how long you will be away and who to contact for immediate attention.  I found it takes stress levels down when you do not have to worry about the immediacy of emails and voice mails. Obviously, it is handy for vacation time, but you can use it when you have appointments out of the office or if you have long meetings/conferences.

7. Change jobs.

What? You love your _______ (prestige, paycheck, manager, title – fill in the blank).  But the dirty secret in the corporate world is your company ultimately does not care about you.  They care about your production for “the man”.  Will they miss you when you are gone?  Sure, maybe.  Especially if you took care of #2. But the reality is that you are, most likely, replaceable (with the exception of rocket scientists). So why should you be concerned about leaving if you want a different/better opportunity?

When you feel that stress coming on it may be time to make a change. You know what I am talking about. Sunday night rolls around and you are dreading the next day. You have a sinking feeling when you read your email and your manager has called a special meeting. You know it is going to be a sales “beating” not a “meeting”.

There may also be ways to change jobs within the company to a different department. That way you will not lose your accrued vacation time (see #1).

8. Be honest.

It seems we see the honesty quality less frequently these days.  Honesty goes a long way keeping stress levels down. Admit your mistakes and own them upfront.  Don’t try to play the blame game. Most people do not get fired from admitting a screw-up and apologizing. At my last company, I was written up by HR several times (loud music at my desk, posting a seductive photo of myself on social media, blah, blah, blah).  I would love to see that file today. And laugh.  But seriously, when the team knows you are a straight shooter, honest and dependable, and not sneaking around causing drama, your job will be easier to not only survive but to thrive.

9. RUN from office drama and gossip.

work stress water coolerWe have all been in a work situation where you know the one who loves to create drama. Do your best to stay away from these people or least do not get involved. They will ultimately cause undue stress you never anticipated or invited.  Same goes for gossip. It eventually bites you in the ass!

10. Never lose your cool.

During personal time it might feel good to cry or scream. But in the corporate world, you are much safer showing minimal emotions. There are even counselors and corporate mentors who can help you get there if it is a challenge.  The guy who often goes ballistic over some office nonsense is most likely the next one on the chopping block. Unless he is the big boss, of course. Then you are screwed and might want to put #7 into place.

Here’s wishing you the best in today’s corporate world!

 

Top 10 Ways to Reinvent Yourself

Most people, at some point in life, think of reinventing themselves.  Whether it is tweaking your style or a complete life overhaul, we often strive to make ourselves better – or at least different – than before.  But the age-old question is; How does one go about this metamorphosis?  Change is a frightening exercise. When it is forced upon us, we have to go through the steps of re-learning and acceptance.  But what happens when we force it upon ourselves? It can be a magical process once we see the other side.

I was wickedly shy as a child and tween. I was afraid to raise my hand in school, even though I knew the reinvent shyanswer to the questions.  I remember the outgoing, confident kids being awarded the big parts in the school plays and being chosen first on the kickball team. Not necessarily because they were the most talented, but because they were self-assured.  Growing into a dorky teenager with braces added to my awkwardness, pulling me deeper into this introverted self.  The thought of going up to a stranger and introducing myself to them was terrifying.

However, on the inside, I was playful and humorous and even a bit of a rebel.  My circle of friends and family knew about those characteristics.  However, no one on the outside did. At that time, I was desperate to reinvent myself from the geeky duckling into the proverbial confident swan.  But how does one go about doing THAT?reinvent old new

In this particular case, I made a big decision to reinvent myself at approximately age 14. I was tired of being shy and I knew that I had more to offer to the world than being a human taking up space. Rather than loathe myself for not living the existence I desired, I decided to reinvent myself.  My pathway to confidence started in an unusual way….

I had fallen in love with a kiddy band from Scotland called the Bay City Rollers. They were the epitome of sappy sugary teeny-bop music…and I adored them.  Their core fan base of predominantly prepubescent girls came with a pen-pal club of like-minded international fans donning their tartan. 

 

That’s right, before the internet and social media, people actually wrote physical letters to one another on paper and mailed them inside an envelope with a stamp!  At one point I had pen-pals in 30+ US states and a dozen countries.   I tell you this story because it was the beginning of a metamorphosis.  Writing those letters became an outlet where I found my creative self.  The playful, humorous self.

I had a pen-pal in a far-away suburban Chicago location.  Actually, it was not far away at all in the grand scope of distances (an hour drive?). But it seemed FAR away back then. My friend (whom I had never met – sounds a little like Facebook, doesn’t it?) invited me to visit for a weekend slumber party.  My mother, I presume, phoned her mother and everything checked out in Mom-world. 

I sat at my little writing-table before that weekend and I vowed not to be shy. I wanted to be the cool girl from out-of-town. I visualized being the one who would bust into a Bay City Roller tune on cue and the one who instigated a rousing game of “truth or dare”. What did I have to lose? No one knew me. There was no history between us. I did not run the risk of being typecast.  Remarkably, I WAS that girl….and the magic happened.  I loved the energy of the “alternative me” and saw my new gang of friends a few more times that summer.

The metamorphosis happened seemingly overnight. However, I know it was a process. I went back to school in the fall ditching my old ways, looking prettier without my braces, and a sporting a new level of confidence.  And so on and so on, strides were made into adulthood to keep improving.   Do I still feel awkward in a roomful of total strangers? You bet.  Do I power through and leave with new contacts or friends? Often. Of course, a bar on premise does help the situation.

Having tackled reinvention several times in my life, I began to wonder how I could help people with ideas for reinventing themselves. Here are my Top Ten (okay, top nine):

Change careers:  Are you stuck in a dead-end job you thought would be more rewarding? Possibly no room for advancement? A dying industry?  The longer you stay there the more that job becomes a part of you. And if it is a negative influence, it can eventually take over your entire outlook on life. After all, most of us do spend the majority of our awake hours working. Know that even after decades, it is never too late to change your career.  Work for yourself by starting your own company. Get a degree online.  Take the first step. The rest will follow.

Move to a new city or country:  Sounds scary, right?  And often #1 on the list goes hand-in-hand with this one.   But I know of no better way to reinvent yourself.  In this case, no reinvent moving vanone knows you. Can you leave much of your past behind and work on the person you wish to be – revealing only what you wish to reveal from your former self. 

 

Take up a new hobby or sport:  You don’t want to do anything drastic but you always wanted to learn to ____. Fill in the blank.  Paint? Write? Surf? Dance? Act? Skydive? Ski? Speak French? Now is a perfect time to learn. Take a class, join a group. Tap into that creative or competitive side and watch a different kind of metamorphosis emerge. And chances are you will make a whole new group of like-minded friends.

Change your style or your hair:  Go from conservative to wild! Get some ink (just remember that idea is pretty permanent) or try a temporary tattoo to see if you like it. Or tone down your punk rock goth look to the professional you want to be. Dye your hair pink, buy a wig, cut it all off.  When you dress the part, you begin to feel the part. And once you feel the part,  you have replaced the old with the new.

reinvent handshake 2Mend Fences:  We all have fences to mend and messes to clean. Some are tiny and some may consume us.  Whether it is family issues or legal messes or work mate/manager muck, they exist.  Some people hold a grudge for life.  Why? Wouldn’t  it be fantastic if you could reawaken into a new person during your clean up? Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness.  Reaching out to commence the process of clean-up eliminates some of your distractions and emotional stress. And it will most likely change you into a more magnanimous person in the process. 

Take a spiritual journey:  No, you do not even have to be religious to be spiritual.  It is something you can do right in your hometown at a spiritual retreat or something grand and life changing like bathing in the River Ganges in India or walking the Camino de Santiago in Spain. Regardless, you will discover something new in your inner-self and you will return reinvented in some way.

Volunteer: Some of the most generous, nurturing people I have met in the world have worked to help other humans/animals/our earth/less fortunate. Volunteering can be amazingly easy – in your own community for a couple hours a week.  Anything from delivering meals to the elderly to being a role model for kids or simply walking dogs at your local animal shelter. Or you can go on exotic voluntourism trips anywhere in the world, such as building wells in Kenya, helping orphans in India or working at an animal sanctuary in Costa Rica.  

Spend less – save more:  This really touches on financial reinvention. But hey, let’s face it, that is a big part of life too.  Some people feel they live paycheck to paycheck and simply cannot get ahead. But take a long hard look at your finances.  Do you spend money on things you do not need?  New technology when the old stuff worked just fine? A new car when you could have replaced something in the old one for a lot less? A $1000 pair of shoes??? The list probably goes on. We are simply caught up in the mass consumerism of “keeping up with the Joneses”.  Or drunk buying on Amazon. investmentWhat if you cut a few things out of your monthly budget and put that money away for something to help you make more money? Perhaps a property investment or a fund for your early retirement.  Financial success can certainly be reinvention. 

Some of the most successful people in the world have reinvented themselves time and time again. Don’t be afraid to try it yourself.  It might be the best thing you ever did for yourself!  Enjoy your journey!

reinvent yoga

Yeah, that’s me. Searching for Nirvana in India. It’s a process.

 

Top 10 Bedroom Tips for Ladies

***Disclaimer: I am not a trained psychologist, psychiatrist, sex therapist or any other type of licensed professional health care giver.  Nonetheless, this is not my first rodeo!

Ladies, I have come to find men are basically the less complicated gender of the Homo sapiens.  Simplicities like sports, food, sex, hunting/fishing and building things (not necessarily in any particular order) can often keep them amused for long spans of time.

However, occasions spent in the bedroom (or other places where intimacy happens) may be a wee bit more complex.  This is my somewhat tongue-in-cheek Top 10 List of Bedroom Tips. You may find it helpful for navigating those dangerous sexual waters and keeping harmony in the relationship.

sex gun1. Don’t use sex as a weapon for negative behavior or as a reward for  positive behavior. Sexuality should stand unparalleled.  The relationship tends to become more complicated when your other conduct plays a part in intimacy. For example, “I am furious at you for going out with your friends and getting drunk last night, so NO shooting the meat rocket into the sausage wallet for you this week.” Discuss a different reward/punishment system and make it part of your set of agreements.

2. Stay away from comparisons.  “My ex used to do this.” “Yeah, I would say he was bigger.”  Very few intimate partners want to hear about your previous horizontal playgrounds. However, this is different from telling him what you would like him to do to you. That is highly encouraged.  Merely, don’t reveal how you learned it.

3. Give out fellatio/oral sex/blow jobs/polishing the trailer hitch like candy on Halloween.  That keeps them extremely happy. Not kidding.  If you can’t stomach swallowing high fructose porn syrup, do not fret.  He will still appreciate your gesture.  Simply have a towel handy.

sex going down

4. He wants to go immediately to the main course. You want to enjoy a few appetizers first. Foreplay is fun and sexy. Make him wait. He will ultimately be more explosive.

sex chanelier5. Being slightly tipsy is a splendid way to dissolve inhibitions. However, polluted-hammered-shit faced-wasted sex is most often a waste of time and energy. Not only will you wake up with a hangover, you will most likely, be sore or bruised from some antics you can’t quite remember.

6. Be the initiator and aggressor as often as him.  Regardless of how manly he is in the board room or on the football field, he enjoys kicking back in the bedroom and allowing you to assault his friendly weapon…often!

7. Read books about sex or watch instructional videos to spice up life in the bedroom and be open to experimentation. Role playing and toys can add a new dimension of excitement and pleasure. Nevertheless, be warned: Fulfilling his dreams of a three-some may create some unexpected repercussions down the road. Think: Stalkers, STD’s, etc. There are a lot of weird ones out there. Choose carefully.

8. Be proud of your body and uninhibited displaying it. Men are visual monsters. That is sex peek a boowhy they are the big consumers of porn – not us. He is passionately enthusiastic about your body no matter what size, shape or color. Otherwise you would not have gotten this far (e.g. bedroom) in the first place. Show it off. Make things steamy in the way you present it to him…slowly. Drives ‘em crazy.

9. Don’t make a deal about his sexual dysfunction (unless it is an ongoing issue).  Sure, you may be 25 and he is 26 and you laugh at such a statement. “That will NEVER happen to us.” Trust me….if you live long enough and remain sexually active, you will most likely have a partner who experiences it.  Just move on…and try everything another day. Stay cool and do not frustrate him any further by asking questions in bed.

10. A firm rule is to keep away from urination, defecation, blood and bruising. Shut your gaping mouth! There are actually people who enjoy this stuff. You may too. But, hey, it’s MY list.

Life is short.  Try one idea to improve yourself daily.

Advice to my 19-year-old Self: Monday Musings

As I look down at the skin discoloration and new freckles on my sun-damaged arms and hands, I silently berate myself for not having stayed out of the sun or, at the very least, worn some serious sunscreen when I was younger.  The harsh reality is, once you cross over that proverbial middle-aged number (I like to think of it as a moving target, but I know in my heart of hearts I have long since crossed it), all your old vices and bad habits come back to haunt you.

I remember back in the 1990’s there was a song by Baz Luhrmann called “Everybody’s Free to Wear Sunscreen”.  It was actually more of a speech put to music than a song (click here to listen). Nevertheless, it contained copious amounts of good advice given to a graduating class. It got me to musing, what kind of advice would my older-self give today to my younger-self?

The first one would be to wear sunscreen. Seriously!  I remember in the summer months (and spring and fall whenever possible) in my youth going to the beach or the pool daily and absolutely baking every piece of my legally allowable visible skin.  Sunscreen? That was for sissies. I would slather on a greasy mixture of baby oil and iodine (yes iodine to stain the skin darker) and bake front side and back side in 30-minute increments for hours.

I went on a girl’s trip to the Bahamas after high school graduation and proudly compared myself to the many local’s deep coco skin. I was darker than half of them. Hey 19- year-old self: Dark tans on white girls do not make you look sexy (no matter what Hawaiian Tropic tells you), it only helps insure a visit from the melanoma fairy later in life. Not to mention the loss of elasticity and wrinkles. Argh! Wrinkles!

Secondly, your parents are going to give you good advice. But only to a point. That is right, those annoying adult people who kept laying all those rules on you for all your teenage years?  They were giving you good advice.  They are two of the most important people in your life and will always be, even after they are gone. And they have already crossed over to their middle age. They get it. They lived it. Listen to their advice and respect them. However, do not let their advice rule your decisions completelyFor example,  I thought hs Kat w cameraabout a career in The Arts (read starving artist) when we had to declare a major for higher education. My father steered me towards business because he felt I would make more money and have more stability. Their job was to protect and help keep things secure and comfortable. If I wanted to do something completely adventurous or risky, they would not have been especially supportive. Hey 19-year-old self: Go with your gut. If you feel strongly about doing something outside the box, DO IT.

Third, do not be so shy and cautious! Okay, you are doing better these last few years since the painfully shy child you were in grade school. But I see it still holds you back.  Do not be frightened to be bold. Speak up, reach out, take risks. The greater the risks, the greater the rewards. Remember when you were a freshman in high school and you excelled in Spanish class? You had the opportunity to be a year-long exchange student in Bolivia or Chile or some other exotic South American country, but you opted out because of some unfounded fear. That would have been one of the most amazing experiences of your life. And now you would not be struggling to have command of the Spanish language.  Hey 19-year-old self, it is time to become fearless and forget that you were ever shy.

Fourth, do not get caught up with classmates or friends making fun of people or being unkind. We all have our personal handicaps.  We are all trying to find where we fit in and how this world works. You are no more superior than anyone else on this earth. You may have better skills or opportunities or even beauty, but that does not give you license to be unkind or intolerant. Be a uniter not a divider. 

Fifth, do not play with people’s hearts.  Several men will fall in love with yohs kat dallasu in the future. Some relationships will be beautiful and some not so much. Most of them will end in an unpleasant way. You, most likely, will be the one ending it. Once you know the relationship is not working, be honest and up front.  Do not play with his heart. He will love you and he deserves to be treated with respect.  Make an effort to remain friends, if you desire. If you once really loved one another, he will always have a special place in your heart after the dust settles.

Sixth, eat healthy, drink less alcohol and stay fit.  Sounds silly now, right? You look pretty damn good and you don’t have to worry about weight gain or any health issues.  Guess what? Metabolism changes. Health changes. Suddenly you wonder how cholesterol levels can possibly creep up. And where the heck did those 5 extra kilos come from?  Stay fit for life starting now and don’t miss health check ups. Hey 19-year-old self, you will thank me later.

Seventh, never say “That will never happen to me.” in your cocky littler manner. You have no idea what will or will not happen to you until you live your life.

Eighth, learn to be more patient.  In the upcoming decades you are going to see massive changes in the way we communicate, in the way you do your job, in the way the politics shift. Everything that touches your life will change. For the only constant is change (no, it is not a cliché). This is going to require a lot of patience on your part. You are going to have to relearn and reprogram your brain and your lifestyle. Be patient, with not only your learning process, but with others as well.  Learning new things will be fantastic and also frustrating.  Practice patience.

Ninth, spend time around children and elderly. You don’t spend enough time around either. Start now. You will learn some amazing things from the raw truths spoken by both ends of the life-cycle spectrum.  Hey 19-year-old self, you won’t have kids of your own, but you will have plenty to love in India.

Tenth, travel every chance you can. HS kat in FranceGet out there and discover the world. It will expand your mind, make you more tolerant of different beliefs and thankful for what you have. And yes, you are off to a good start.

Eleventh, do not be so hard on yourself. You will meet plenty of people who will do that for you. You are smarter, cooler, prettier than you think. Just be happy in your  own skin. Hey 19-year old self, they are going to call you eccentric. Take it as a compliment. HS kat with mug

Lastly, get involved. Make a difference.  You have the power to make changes which will make our world better. Even if you don’t believe you can. You can.

You probably won’t take all this advice. I know you better by now than you know yourself. And trust me on the sunscreen!

Monday Musings. What woud you tell YOUR younger self?  Have a great week!

 

 

Political Carnage. Where Do We Go From Here? Monday Musings

I received two troubling private messages on social media within a week from one another. One was penned from a previous lover. It was brief and read exactly like this: “I can’t believe the girl I loved back in TX has drifted so far to the Left. If I didn’t have so many fond memories I would unfriend her.” Accompanied by not one, not two, but three sad face emojis.  Directed as if it were not to me, but to an imaginary third person about me.

Yes, it was a political statement from him. Argh, that dirty word, “politics”.   What rings so strange to me is this message was not something he would have said to me back when we were dating. Or at least I do not think he would have. I was in my 20’s living in small-town East Texas at the time and my “starter marriage” – as I like to call it – was falling apart.  Somehow after university I traded my party girl crown for the conservative little homemaker wife title.  It was a role I did not fake very well, although I did try for a few years. This guy saw these alternative facts about me immediately.  You see, it was the political-rave1980’s and it was the time of  gender-bending, make-up wearing men and legal Ecstasy and all night raves. Although this guy had a respectable day job, at night he was out playing. Next thing I knew, I was taken on an extreme carnival ride along with him. And I welcomed it. I was absolutely crazy about him.

Although we lived in the same city for only a short time, we managed to keep in touch and see one another on and off for many years.  He opened my mind about sex and bizarre behavior/opinions in a way that had not been awakened before from my conservative roots. He was outrageous. And the more outrageous behavior he displayed, the more I would mirror. For example, I remember one time we were having dinner at a Chinese restaurant in Dallas.  I ate an atomic hot chili pepper and the frightening results were immediate.  I was having trouble breathing and started sweating like a sinner in church. I stood up and dropped my dress in the restaurant (for effect) while he poured some water on me.  The diners looked on in troubled amazement, while we laughed. I am so glad I grew up in an era of no camera phones.

Truly at that time in my life….and even as the memories of him live on, he was the epitome of “cool”.  We kept in touch occasionally as time went on. Within the last year I was thrilled when I received a friend request from him, as he was not on social media for a long time.  Now this…threatened to be unfriended by one of the coolest people with whom I had shared intimate space. Wow.

To set the record straight (argh, politics), I consider myself to be a fairly moderate democrat.  I absolutely do not agree with the policies of the new administration, nor did I vote for the current POTUS. In fact, there are many times I am outraged and downright frightened by what is going on. Do I think Washington could be run better and cleaner? Absolutely. So I understand why people wanted change.  I have friends, family and clients who are hard-core republicans.  I respect people’s right to vote. And I am not here for name calling or to belittle them for decisions different from mine.  And I would certainly not unfriend someone for their views, unless they were attacking me for mine. The unfollow button is handy too for those ranters from the other side. As many of you know!

I have been around for a long time, voting in 10 US presidential elections (and countless other races).  It seems the best administrations have worked with a moderate, nearer to center congress who compromised to get business accomplished. I feel extremism does not work.  Left, right, Christian, Muslim, racial, whatever. Extremism is simply more divisive.  And the atmosphere feels pretty extreme currently. In fact, after seeing this chart of the USA Congressmen, it is frightening how extremely far away the red side has pulled from center. The most widely used measure of political polarization, a score of ideology based on voting developed by Kenneth Poole and Howard Rosenthal, has shown that the Republicans in the Senate and especially the House have drifted away from the center far more rapidly than Democrats.

political-moderate-chart

The other message came from a girlfriend who I have known for several years. I cherish her friendship.  Seems I have always agreed with her on most everything. And then she called me out on a post telling me I was sounding selfish regarding the Muslim ban because I was annoyed I had to change some travel plans to one of these countries. She felt that I would make a much better case posting about all of the people who are suffering because of the ban, rather than my unhappiness regarding my plans.  (After cooling off, I did see her point and ended up deleting the post).

The discussion was actually a long and somewhat heated (more on her end, I think) online conversation. She, feeling I was showing examples of not caring about what was happening and not standing up for what I believed (paraphrased).  I was surprised, as she has no idea the organizations I financially support for my causes or the emails I have sent and calls I have made to make sure my voice is heard by my representatives.  Isn’t that what moderates do? They plod along and, in time, get their work done, not typically making giant visible waves, but making a difference. It is not sign of weakness.  It is a different means to an end.  However, I am not going to defend my politics here or criticize others. That is not what this post is about.

Ultimately, both of these messages I received made me terribly sad. A certain sadness that has hung around for a while.  Regardless of their political leanings I want them both in my life.  Two people I adore who feel they are not sure they  want to be my friend any longer….one because I am left of center, and one because I am too right of left. Isn’t it ironic how it is all in one’s perspective? Perhaps they were in a bad mood that day. Perhaps they were attacked for something political recently. Perhaps they are just as damn tired of the US Government debacle as I am.  Or perhaps they just don’t like me. <insert sad emoji>

I feel like this new world order is tearing people apart. Families, friends, clients, acquaintances. I hear it over and over.  And it seems there is no end to it. This is the real carnage. No compromises, angry words, zero respect and relationships left in the dust.  Where do we go from here? Monday Musings.

 

 

 

 

How Lonely is Fame? Holiday Musings

I remember when I was younger and my mom would be saddened because a movie star died.  It is not that she ever knew them or they were friends or anything, but yet she always had a brief sadness at their passing.  “Sexy Rock Hudson died. I cannot believe he was gay.” “Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire were the best dancers of my era, I cannot believe he is gone.” “Judy Garland had so much ahead of her; dying at just 47.  I cannot believe she took her own life.” She would say after each new passing was announced by the media.  In my childlike way I did not completely understand it. Everyone dies. And we go through stages of grief when our loved ones leave us.  But what about someone we did not know?

Now that I have grown beyond the age of my mother when she lamented these deaths, I understand her brief sadness each time it happened and her desire to relive those movies. It transports us back in time. 2016 seems like a long year of losing too many iconic artists…Gene Wilder, Florence Henderson, Carrie Fischer, David Bowie, Prince, George Michael and many more entertainers.

Most of these stars were pop cultural figures in my coming-of-age era and, in their way, helped form who I am today.   I loved Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I remember my teacher in grade school reading this story out loud to the class. I would fantasize that this chocolate factory really existed. I would have given anything to find a golden ticket in my chocolate bar.  Gene Wilder played a perfect eccentric chocolate factory owner. And who didn’t want Mrs. Brady to be their mom? She was so “groovy”!  I never missed an episode of the Brady Bunch. And any young girl who saw the original Star Wars series wanted to be Princess Leia. She was a role model as a female science fiction superhero.

However,  is was the musicians who forced me to reach into the depths of my soul to find the outrageous part of me.  When we are in our teens, coming of age, we tend to question everything about tradition and reach out to new ideas.  Trying to find who we are; experimenting. I cannot think of a better trio of gender-bending, sexually charged men than Prince, David Bowie and George Michael. We were young, the next generation, and these musicians helped create much of pop music for the next several decades.  The Fred Astaires and Glen Millers of the Depression era kids  and the hippie icons of the baby boomers had morphed into make-up wearing, costumed men who tackled all kinds of taboo subjects with their music and lifestyles…steamy sex…drugs…homosexuality…. bisexuality. All the while sending a message that is was okay for this experimentation.  Some radio stations would not play certain songs. And that simply fueled fans like me to want more.

Each time a new death of a musical icon was announced this year, I consumed their art in a VH-1 marathon music bender.   All so young. Taken from this earth long before their story was complete. Lives marred by drugs, disorders, secrets and fame.  And it got me to musing. How lonely is fame? I am not talking 15 minutes of fame from some viral video. I am not talking about a local TV anchor posing for a few pics with viewers when out to dinner. I am not even talking reality star fame.

What do you do with adoration beyond comprehension? One which imprisons you?  Lady Gaga said in a recent interview, “I don’t think I could think of a single thing that’s more isolating than being famous.”  The kind of fame that haunted(s) icons in their height like Princess Diana, Michael Jackson, The Beatles, Shahrukh Khan (yes, it is Bollywood, but trust me he is big-time) and the list goes on. The paparazzi get bolder and the gossip magazines will pay more for photos and the fans demand more news. It is vicious cycle. One which creates so much isolation for the person living it.

Sure, everything is a trade-off.  Fame has it perks. For one, anything money can buy.  Jets, mansions, golden toilets, drugs. Whatever your heart desires. But can you imagine the pressure?  You are only as famous as your last great (fill in the blank….song, movie, photo, painting, performance, stage show, game winning goal, etc.). So once you are on the pinnacle, it takes even more creative genius to top your last fantastic piece.  Add to that the people who want to be your “friend” but are only in it to ride your coattails.  Your entourage of sorts.  Ready to take your money or expose you in some way. After a while, it may difficult to trust anyone.  And not know if any one is actually a “friend” anymore,

But wait, there is more to this fantastic ride of fame.  You can’t leave your house without a flood of flashes and cell phones in your face. Casual undisturbed dinner at your favorite restaurant down the street? Shopping for a pair of shoes? Going to a festival? No, forget it. All these normal things most people enjoy with anonymity just do not exist in a famous person’s world.  I have seen fans who are so bold, they will crush towards stars grabbing at them, even cutting pieces of clothing or hair, if their body-guard is not close by.  I can sympathize as to how frightening that must be.

 

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It is no wonder famous people turn to drugs (legal and illegal) and alcohol and isolationist behavior to cope. These struggles are real.  It can bring out the best of creativity, but also the worst in mental health. It makes me ponder the age-old question. Do you want to be rich and famous or have enough income to live on and be inconspicuous?

Holiday Musings. Have a fantastic future ahead, wherever your path takes you.

 

Is Life Near the Equator Spinning Out of Control? Monday Musings

Last week a friend of mine (we will call her Carla) came to a holiday fundraiser in my adopted home town in Costa Rica and later spent the night at my place.  Before she left the next morning, we enjoyed some Costa Rican coffee on the terrace and recapped the prior evening.

Carla had moved to Costa Rica from the USA with her husband approximately a decade ago. They were divorced fairly recently.  I do not know the gory details, nor do I necessarily care. Sometimes plans do not work out and it is time to make a life change.

At the event, I introduced her to a gringo friend of mine and they appeared to easily glide into a flirtatious conversation.  There are several explanations of where the word “gringo” originated. Some research says it started in Spain simply to describe non-Spanish speaking Europeans of white skin.  It was introduced to the Castilian dictionary in the latter 1700’s. gravity-gringo Another theory I have read is the word was created during the Mexican-American War. The soldiers from the USA wore green uniforms and the Mexicans would yell at them “green-go” using the English version to let them know they were not welcome in Mexico.  I have visited Spanish-speaking countries where the term is used derogatorily or as a racial slur. But in Costa Rica, is it typically used as a neutral label to describe a light-skinned expats (and tourists) from places like Canada, the USA, non-Spanish Europe, Australia, New Zealand, South Africans of Dutch/British decent, etc. And a native Costa Rican is a called a Tico or Tica.  A cute nickname used exclusively for Costa Ricans, but not for other Latinos.

As we sipped our coffee the next morning, I learned that Carla and my gringo friend had already accepted a Facebook friendship andgravity-facebook exchanged a bit of chatter that morning.  She asked me about his dating habits….Is he involved with anyone? Is he a bit of whore? The sort of things you question (regardless of age or experience) when you experience a potentially budding crush.   I told her I really did not know him that well, but he seemed extremely cool and authentic. And age appropriate, I added. We talked about how men can wear their wrinkles as a badge of honor. It means their years in the sun made them appear “outdoorsy and adventurous”. For some it also translates into wealth or wisdom. But for a woman? Her wrinkles are often viewed as an uncomplimentary reminder of ageing.

The coffee conversation naturally steered itself towards the odd dating situation for an over-40-year-old expat woman in small town Costa Rica.  Carla is not the first to lament this issue. I have had several strong, independent and attractive gravity-surferssingle girlfriends permanently depart this lovely region to find more depth in the dating pool.  We live in a touristy beach area with great surf and several Spanish schools.  So it is not unusual to find surfing/Spanish students and bachelor party revelers flowing though the region.  They are easy targets for one-night stands; away from home and ready to play.   There are also plenty of young Tico guys looking for a wealthy female “sponsor” and lover.  But if a gringa is looking for a permanent or semi-permanent resident, self sufficient and age-appropriate man (I am giving it is +/- 8-10 year window), it is challenging to find one here. I am not saying it can’t happen, but…..

Many gringo men immigrate here with a wife/significant other. So that takes them out of the dating pool. The ones who come alone are sometimes running from something in their home country…for example: a crazy ex-wife, tax evasion, depression, etc. Which can make ones definition of “normal” a random shade of gray.  But in all fairness, some guys just want a new adventure and retired with a whole bunch of cash.  Carla and I hypothesized these men who are alone are not necessarily looking for that age-appropriate strong or independently thinking gringa woman. In fact, many of them loved a woman like that in their previous life back home.  They are often looking for a young, hot woman. One who confirms their sexuality and makes them feel completely loved regardless of their shortcomings.  Of course this is an age-old trend everywhere in the world.  Wife number one dies or divorces; wife number two (or three) is a much younger trophy.

However, when I observe these cases happening in Costa Rica (and probably many places in Latin America) it seems to have a slightly different twist.  The younger Tica woman is almost always from a lower socioeconomic status than the gringo. And although she may not be extremely attractive (but most are), she is sexually exciting and happy to please her man.  Many of these women have not had role models to teach them worldly lessons, and they may not have had access to higher education. Some also have children from a previous lover or husband.  So they have a way of latching on (or “falling in love” as it were) in a mothering kind of way.  Washing his clothes, cooking amazing meals, cleaning his home, taking care of day-to-day dealings in Spanish and of course, having uninhibited sex with him as often as he desires (or when the little blue pill kicks in).

And yes, sometimes part of the equation is attempting to get pregnant so she will be on his eternal payroll.  For a lot of women, this is the ticket out of poverty, or at least a difficult life barely living paycheck to paycheck. I cannot blame them for that opportunity. And why wouldn’t many men want a tiger in bed and a live-in “assistant” in the home?  Plus it is a great way to learn Spanish, if he has any interest in cultural immersion. That being said, I know a lot of Latina women who do NOT AT ALL fit this mold. However, there are many who do. I understand the mutual benefits, but it leaves a gaping hole in the dating pool.

Carla and I shared stories of plenty of people we knew here in these types of relationships. And she blamed it on being so close to the equator.  I sat there nodding my head and then stopped. Whoa, what? The equator?? What did that have to do with this conversation?  Obviously the earth is wider and warmer at the equator. but is there more to it? The equatorial bulge is created by the Earth’s rotation. As lines of latitude increase in size, a point has to travel faster to complete a revolution in the same amount of time. gravity-spinning-earthThe rotational speed, or spin, at the Arctic Circle is slower than the spin at the Tropic of Cancer, because the circumference of the Arctic Circle is much smaller and a point doesn’t have to travel as far to complete a revolution. The spin at the Tropic of Cancer is much slower than the spin at the Equator. Near the poles, the Earth’s rotational speed, or spin, is near zero. At the Equator, the spin is about 1,670 kilometers per hour (1,038 miles per hour)!

That means we are spinning much faster here in Costa Rica than our gringo friends way up in North America or Europe or down under in Australia. We are closer to the sun and our gravitational pull is less. Meaning you weigh less at the equator than the poles. And it affects our tides and sea levels. Scientists and celestial students have hypothesized all these factors have an effect on animal behavior.  But does it? Or are we simply spinning out of control?

Monday musings. Have a fantastic holiday week ahead.

Photo credits: MasculineProfiles.com, SpanishatHome.com, Facebook, RioDia, Tico Times, Clarita’s Jaco, Thunderboltkids.co.za